Katrina stared out at the rain tapping the widow. She was told it never rained here, but apparently grandma was wrong. The math teacher had told the class that they could hang out and talk, but Katrina was new, and she didn’t know anyone.
Her thoughts were interrupted when the girl sitting next to her tapped her shoulder with a pencil. The girl had bleached blonde hair and wore a pink Hollister shirt, in stunning contrast to Katrina’s dark hair, black Mindless Self-Indulgence T-shirt, and faded cargo pants.
“Do you like Moonlight?” the girl asked.
‘You got my attention to talk about that?’ Katrina chided in her head. She studied the girl’s face for a moment; she seemed innocent enough, and she didn’t want to come off as rude by saying something like that. “I’ve read it…” she equivocated.
The girl smiled amiably, “I just can’t wait for the next book.” She squealed. Katrina noticed the boy behind her slowly look up from his manga. The poor thing was probably hoping to not hear about a crappy book series all day. “Have you heard what they’re going to call it?”
“No, I don’t really pay attention to that stuff. I didn’t really like it that much.” Katrina guessed what the girl’s next question would be as she watched the smile fade from her face.
“Then why did you read it?”
“Because I became alarmed when all the preps started reading about vampires. You see, when people start to defy cultural norms, I start to fear that the apocalypse is coming, so I read the book to make sure there was a normal reason for everyone reading it.”
“And what was your discovery?” The boy behind Katrina asked. She looked down at his desk to see that his name was Jonathan Cutwright. She smiled. His name was Johnny C.
“I found that they were all reading it because preps like things written like this:” Katrina stood up and put her arms out to mock a girly stance, and she monologued in her best valley girl accent. “Like, hi! My name is Izzy Ravens, and I’m like, not very pretty or social, but everyone likes me anyway. And like, all the guys are like, really attracted to me, but I don’t see why. And all the girls are like, really jealous cuz of the attention I get, but most of them are nice anyway. And now there’s like, a new guy in school, and I’m like, too stupid to figure out he’s like, some sort of vampire!”
“She doesn’t talk like that!” The blonde girl protested.
“She might as well.” Jonathan said pointedly. He stood up, grabbed Katrina’s hand, and bowed slightly. Then, he overacted in a British accent: “Pleased to meet you. I’m Collin Edwards, and I’m new to this school. Even though we’ve only had one class together, I find that I am madly in love with you! Sadly, I’m afraid that if I try to kiss you, I will eat you instead because I am supposed to be a vampire. You see, that is why I moved here, to this cloudy town, to go to high school even though UV Rays can get through clouds anyway, but it doesn’t matter, because now that you know why, I can start avoiding you because I don’t want to eat you. Angst, angst, angst!”
Katrina laughed slightly before continuing “Collin, I understand how hard it must be for you, but I have needs. You see, my love for you is actually no deeper than infatuation, so if we don’t start humping like bunnies soon, I will quickly lose interest in you and break your heart by dating that werewolf instead!”
“You forgot the valley girl voice.” Jonathan said in his normal voice.
“You started out talking like a valley girl.”
“Oh.” Katrina shrugged, “too late now.”
“But Izzy, don’t you see? If I don’t choose to be chivalrous and protect your virtue by making you wait until marriage, I will be a terrible person, and God knows I’m already bad at being a vampire pedophile slash stalker.”
“But Collin, you know I’m opposed to marriage for no particular reason! I can never marry you! You know what? Fine, go! I don’t need you, just go prance away like the magnificent poof you are!”
The teacher looked up from his news paper, “Are you two complaining about Moonlight again?”
“No…” Jonathan averted his eyes.
“Maybe...” Katrina muttered.
“Sit down, and try to make less noise.”
Katrina and Jonathan both went back to their seats and continued their business with half the class laughing and half the girls glaring at them.
Disclaimer 1: Moonlight is an obvious parody of a very crappy book series. The plot of Moonlight differs from that of Twilight in a couple ways, and I meant only to offend the girl who started blabbing about it to Katrina, but it should be noted that unless you are offended because you’re Stephanie Meyer, it isn’t your book and I’m not going to apologize. And if you are offended because you are Stephanie Meyer, you need to grow up because it’s only a fucking book series.
Disclaimer 2: Johnny C is the name of Jhonen Vasquez’s comic book character, Johnny the Homicidal maniac. The character in this story is not the same as Nny from the comic series; his name is merely a reference.
Disclaimer 3: Mindless Self-Indulgence is a rock band. Their music isn’t really my style, but apparently it’s Katrina’s. They did not give me permission to mention their name in the story, but I don’t think they’d really care because quite frankly there are worse things written about them in stories on the internet than someone wearing their T-shirt in a non-fanfic story.